February 26 -- Feast of Saint John Kalphes

Modern Theomachists

 Our word for the day is theomachist, meaning one who fights against God or resists Divine Will.  John Kalphes thought that Mohammad was a theomachist, but the Moslems thought John Kalphes was a theomachist. 

John Kalphes (Calphas, Kalphas, and even Claphas sometimes) was a sixteenth century craftsman living Galatea, a suburb of Constantinople.  He was a cabinet maker, or maybe an architect, or perhaps both.  In the sixteenth century, skills in the building trades were not quite as specialized as they are in the twenty-first.  But apart from his professional skill, John was also well regarded for his good works.  He provided for orphans and arranged marriages for them -- a useful service in a society where matches were made by elder relatives and advocates.  He provided for those in prison, also necessary in a state which had not burdened itself with the basic rights of those it incarcerated. 

Luke Song's Crown for the Queen of Soul

John had such a good reputation that he was given the contract to renovate the Sultan's apartments in the palace.  This sort of work leads to many more contracts with the in-crowd, as milliner Luke Song can attest.  Pretty soon, all the pashas and agas wanted Kalphes Kourtyards and Kabinets. 

One aga even asked that John take his nephew on as an apprentice.  John agreed and the kid did really well.  In fact, the kid even got a palace job when the apprenticeship was completed.  Then one day John Kalphes and his former apprentice chanced to meet.  The young man wanted to know how John, being Christian,  viewed Mohammad.  John politely suggested that not talk religion.  The kid persisted, promising not to reveal John's views.  So John unloaded.  The word theomachist was used.  "Nothing good upon this earth... did not perform a single miracle... fantasies and fanaticism... simple, ignorant people... seduce the world." 

Tact, folks. Let's all take it down a notch.

I guess a couple of things could be said in John's defense.  First, he didn't try to recruit the young man to apostasy.  Second, he didn't withhold or dissemble.  He might not get points for tact, but he doesn't lose any for equivocation either. 

The kid hauled his former mentor into court for defaming the Prophet.  Yeah, I think any of us would have to say he was guilty of that unless we wanted to invoke some sort of jury nullification standard.  John was beaten, imprisoned, and coerced to apostatize.  Stubbornly proclaiming his faith, he was sentenced to six months in the galleys as penal servitude.  Six months in the galleys killed a good many prisoners, but John Kalphes survived and returned for further questioning, followed by more beating, and culminating in decapitation in 1575. 

Over and over we read that martyrdom is a blessing.  I suppose it might be, though that's cold comfort for the unwed orphans and unfed prisoners.  I continue to think he might have tread a little more softly, been a little cagier, and continued to serve God by serving his fellow men.