March 5 -- Feast of Saint Konon the Gardener

Shamelessly plagiarized

I am front-loading the humor, which is a bad idea.  Even worse, I am stealing the humor from someone more graphically skilled, though at least the theft is acknowledged here and in the caption.  Okay, now here's an icon of the guy.

The Roman Emperor Decius issued an edict in 250 ordering all Roman citizens to make a public sacrifice or be executed.  It seems a pretty monumental task to get everyone to sacrifice, but I imagine that in practice it was somewhat more selective.  Folks who had been hanging around on festival days hoping for a couple barbequed ribs were probably not the first to be called out.  Guys like Konon were.

Konon was a quiet sort of Christian.  Not the kind to make a big fuss.  He had a plot of land in which he grew enough vegetables, so he sustained himself modestly without troubling anybody.  The loudest thing about him is that garish orange robe in the picture above.  But orders are orders, so some soldiers duly showed up at the garden and told him that Governor Publios wanted to talk to him.  His reply might have been a little less sarcastic, but then again, he knew he was cooked.

"What does the governor want with me, since I am a Christian? Let him call those who think the way he does and have the same religion with him."

They roughed and cuffed him (well, tied him hand and foot, anyway) and took him to the Governor who applied the usual persuasions.  Konon's refusal to submit was probably not as irritating as the ennui he exhibited.  It is one thing to refuse; it's another to be bored at your own trial and sentencing.

Inspired, Publios opted to have nails driven into the soles of Konon's feet.  Konon would then run in front of the Governor's carriage until he collapsed.  He didn't make it very far, nor suffer for very long.