April 16 -- Feast of Saints Paternus and Scubilion

Saint Paternus

It seems to me that if it's the sixth century -- or any century, for that matter -- and one enters a monastery (or convent) at a young age, one ought to be granted a little time in the world at some point.  It shouldn't be required, of course, but there ought to be a couple years available. A sabbatical, of sorts.

Paternus grew up in a financially comfortable French family and entered a monastery.  He apparently did well enough there to be entrusted with the job cellararius, which meant that he had the keys to the wine, beer, cider, and food.  Sounds like the job of social chairman in my fraternity, except that "his conduct in that office foretold his later effectiveness as a bishop." (Morgan & Dillon)  That sounds like he took his job so seriously that they probably had plenty of left in the spring -- perhaps even enough to give alms to the poor.  Not the kind of social chair -- or cellararius -- I would have voted for. 

But he and a fellow monk named Scubilion got a travelin' jones and headed into the hinterland.  They set up camp in a cave, cracked open a rock to bring forth a spring, and set up evangelizing the local pagans.  It try not to say pagan unless we're talking about rural polytheists, as that's the literal meaning [pagan is from pagus, pagi, Latin for province or rural district]. 

Jupiter stew -- bad brew

They'd hoof into towns and harangue the locals for their polytheism and then hide out in their cave if folks got too upset.  Once, they slipped into a festival where big cauldrons of sacrificial meat was being stewed -- northern French barbeque, I guess.  Using their walking sticks as levers, they dumped the cauldrons on the ground and raced out of town before the mob could sacrifice them.  On the road, a hard working young woman gave them the one-franc looksies for free, suggesting they'd get their money's worth for two-franc feelsies or three-franc deweys.  Two-for-one specials before dusk.  Even fun-loving monks like Paddy and Scooby have to adhere to their oaths of celibacy, so they're forced to find their fun another way.  In this case, they laid a curse on the enterprising young strumpet that caused ulcers to burst through her skin all over her body.  She suffered the curse for a whole year before begging their forgiveness, taking the faith, and getting healed.

Brother Joshua's Barleywine -- good brew

Eventually, living in a cave starts to suck.  Sure, that cool, crisp spring water is refreshing after a day of tormenting your heathen neighbors, but some days you just wish you had the keys to the cellar again so you could slip down for a quick draught of Brother Joshua's Juniper Barleywine.  After three years in the pagus, they headed back to the monastery.

They don't say that Scubilion was promoted to abbot.  I'd like to think he was, since his old pal Paternus became the bishop.  [Sources disagree; others say that Paternus became the abbot-general of the region, since he and Scubilion founded several monasteries.]  They both died on April 16 and were buried together.


It's also Pope Benedict XVI's birthday.  Didn't send a card?  There's still time to call: 39.06.698.85518